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Drinking Holidays

For a true alcoholic everyday is a drinking holiday. Still, some people look for excuses to get drunk. I don’t understand why, so don’t ask me. It is just something normal, non-alcoholics do I guess.

1. New Years Eve – What better way to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of another by getting shit faced? Seriously, this might be the only one that at least makes sense as to why you would drink in celebration. Another year has come and gone, and you have another years worth of memories to toast to.  Plus, what better way to start a new year then not remembering the last night of the old one? It’s kind of like you wake up with a clean slate….and a massive hangover. However, beggars can’t be choosers and if you want to celebrate this holiday the correct way, get ready to drink some beers, some shots and a bottle or two of champagne.

2. St. Patrick’s Day – So in order to celebrate the life of a Roman-Britain who was captured as a slave by the Irish, only to escape and return to Ireland to teach Christianity to the Pagans, is for everyone over the age of fifteen and under the age of eighty, to get blacked out status? Can someone explain that to me? How does that make any sense? I’m still confused as to why we’re celebrating this guys life to begin with anyway. Still, no one will question such a thing too much. After all, for your average working person, this is their excuse to let loose, at least for one night of the year.   

3. Cinco de Mayo – So who knows why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated? I’ll tell you why because in 1862 the Mexican army somehow defeated the powerhouse of France (did anyone laugh when they read that because I did when I typed it). That is why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated. It’s funny that basically everyone, included Mexicans don’t know that. Instead Cinco de Mayo to us, is a day to get drunk. So we grab a bottle of tequila and a pack of Coronas and have a fiesta until the immigraton officers come a knocking. (No offense meant to any immigrants.)

4. Thanksgiving Eve – This isn’t really that big of a drinking holiday outside of college students and their friends. This is the first time collge students see their friends since summer vacation. So naturally, they use that as an excuse to drink until they blow a .32 BAC. And it is understandable as to why you would do it this night. Because the next day you’ll wake up hungover to a large feast just waiting for you to devour. Then when you are done eating, its totally ok for you to go right back to sleep. It is like our founding fathers knew what college students would be like in the future and so invented this holiday and its traditions just for them.

5. Fourth of July – America is awesome; anyone who argues otherwise is a communist! I don’t think its a good idea to combine fireworks and alcohol. Actually I know for a fact it isn’t, but that is a story for another time. However, we are Americans and the two things we’re best at is drinking and making things go ‘boom.’  There are other things we’re the best at too, like being fat and ignorant, and bullying other countries but we don’t focus on that on these days. We just fire up the grill, chug enough beers to make a elephant stumble around and then light a bunch of fuses connected to explosives meant for our entertainment. God bless America.

This is why you don’t combine alcohol and fireworks. Because more and more people make stupid decisions like this.


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