With classes coming to an end soon and summer almost upon us, I no longer have to write this blog. I’m sure I got top marks for all my hard work and witty humor. I may continue with this thing, I may not. I know all my thousands of readers (that’s an exaggeration, I think I have maybe twenty) will be sorely disappointed but alas, what can a man do?
I decided to honor this last post by making it a double feature. Two list for the price of one.
5 Reasons College Is Awesome:
1. Friends – After sifting through the pretenders, the weirdos and the crazy you will find a group of people who make the four (or more) years of college the best of your life. Many of these friendships you’ll treasure for the rest of your life, even though some of them will fade to nothing. Studies show that friendships made during college last longer then friendships made at any other point in your life, including that best friend you knew since you were in diapers. Also, it has been shown that loneliness is linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, and cancer as well as higher mortality rates. Not only is one the loneliest number, its also the deadliest! So treasure these people. Treat them like the great people they probably are, except Karen. Fucking Karen.
2. Parties – Not all parties involve alcohol, though you have to wonder who the hell goes to one that doesn’t… Still, some people just like to get together and have a fun time without beer or liquor involved. For me these people would fall under the weirdo and crazy category that I would cut loose from being friends with but I digress.
Still, getting together with friends and random people to have a good time is always…well a good time. Just go in with a positive attitude and laugh at everything and everyone and the night should be a success. Especially when you have a chance for a one nighter. Which leads me to #3.
3. Sex – According to a very awesome movie, ‘You’ll have sex in college. Everyone does.” It is pretty much true. I know of only two seniors who are virgins still. Sex is awesome. It is what makes this world go round. You know all those guys that go on crazy rampages even though everyone assures the authorities, “he was a perfectly normal person,” it isn’t because they are insane, its because they couldn’t get any action for a while. Choking the chicken, or playing the DJ game (for females), can only keep you satisfied for so long. It is why old people are always so cranky; they are too old and too likely to break their hip to actually have sex. Whether it be you are in a committed relationship, you have a booty call on speed dial, you have a one night stand everyone once in a while or you go rampant throughout the ranks of the opposite gender because you can’t keep your legs closed (and you know who you are), basically everyone has sex in college.
4. New Experiences – You will definitely do things you have never done before. For some people it will be their first experience with alcohol. Some people will try drugs (or different drugs) for the first time. First time having sex is also a big one. No matter what it is, even if it has nothing to do with sex, drugs and rock and roll, there is always something amazing about experiencing new things. Many things people cross off on their bucket list are performed while in college. A bunch of young adults with nothing to do are always down to do fun and stupid things whether it be because classes and homework are driving them crazy or because drugs and alcohol are involved. Probably the latter.
5. Education – I mean I guess…
So there is the first list, amazing wasn’t it? While you are marveling over my brilliance, read over the second one. Two shots of brilliance will surely blow your mind.
4 Things To Do During The Summer
1. Go To The Beach – When I say beach, I don’t mean go to a shitty lake or go to an area where its rocks instead of sand. When I say beach, I mean beautiful sandy stretches of land that meet the big waves of the cool ocean waters. First of all, opposite gender in bathing suits. Everyone loves such a sight, even if guys are more obvious about it. Girls love to go to the beach to work on their tan. You can do that anywhere you want to but apparently the beach is the palce to do it. Guys love going to the beach because we love staring at girls in bikinis…oh and we actually like to go in the water and goof around. Nothing better then body surfing a giant wave and then getting face planted into the sand. Or realizing you forgot to put on sunblock and you’re as red as a tomato and in too much pain to do anything, including standing.
2. Play Sports – The beautiful weather means you can do so much outside. Join a summer league or just have a pickup game with your friends. And you can play pretty much every sport you want. Basketball, soccer, baseball, football and even roller hockey. Hell you could even play a sport that isn’t really a sport, like golf. Just don’t be that toolbag that gets way too into it and way too competitive. That person always ruins things. That person also deserves to get punched in the face, or take a soccer ball to the face. It also keeps you active, which is a good way to stay in shape. No one likes couch potatoes, especially during the summer.
3. Camping – When I say camping I don’t mean sleeping in a log cabin or a camper. You sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a tent or right on the hard dirt. The whole point of camping is to get away from society and all its technologies. The American society is pampered and once in a while its nice to get away from that pampering and live with a little hardship. Besides the outdoors is amazing and everyone should experience the beauty that is nature. It isn’t like you have nothing to do while camping. You can go on a long hike or roast hot dogs over a camp fire. If you are camping near a river or lake you can even go fishing or swimming. Even if you don’t do anything besides sit around and do nothing, you can still just take in the beauty of nature.
4. BBQ/Grill – Nothing better then inviting some friends over, getting some ice cold beers and firing up the grill/bbq. You can grill/bbg so many things too. Hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, ribs and steak are just a few of the delicious things you can cook. It isn’t even that hard to grill/bbq. Basically everyone can do it, even females! Um, no offense meant to any females. Having a BBQ is a great reason to invite your friends over and its generally a simple process, even if it might take a while. But the great taste you’ll savor in your mouth after everything is done makes it totally worth it. That and hanging out and shooting the shit with your friends while the food is cooking, makes it all worth it as well.
For a true alcoholic everyday is a drinking holiday. Still, some people look for excuses to get drunk. I don’t understand why, so don’t ask me. It is just something normal, non-alcoholics do I guess.
1. New Years Eve – What better way to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of another by getting shit faced? Seriously, this might be the only one that at least makes sense as to why you would drink in celebration. Another year has come and gone, and you have another years worth of memories to toast to. Plus, what better way to start a new year then not remembering the last night of the old one? It’s kind of like you wake up with a clean slate….and a massive hangover. However, beggars can’t be choosers and if you want to celebrate this holiday the correct way, get ready to drink some beers, some shots and a bottle or two of champagne.
2. St. Patrick’s Day – So in order to celebrate the life of a Roman-Britain who was captured as a slave by the Irish, only to escape and return to Ireland to teach Christianity to the Pagans, is for everyone over the age of fifteen and under the age of eighty, to get blacked out status? Can someone explain that to me? How does that make any sense? I’m still confused as to why we’re celebrating this guys life to begin with anyway. Still, no one will question such a thing too much. After all, for your average working person, this is their excuse to let loose, at least for one night of the year.
3. Cinco de Mayo – So who knows why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated? I’ll tell you why because in 1862 the Mexican army somehow defeated the powerhouse of France (did anyone laugh when they read that because I did when I typed it). That is why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated. It’s funny that basically everyone, included Mexicans don’t know that. Instead Cinco de Mayo to us, is a day to get drunk. So we grab a bottle of tequila and a pack of Coronas and have a fiesta until the immigraton officers come a knocking. (No offense meant to any immigrants.)
4. Thanksgiving Eve – This isn’t really that big of a drinking holiday outside of college students and their friends. This is the first time collge students see their friends since summer vacation. So naturally, they use that as an excuse to drink until they blow a .32 BAC. And it is understandable as to why you would do it this night. Because the next day you’ll wake up hungover to a large feast just waiting for you to devour. Then when you are done eating, its totally ok for you to go right back to sleep. It is like our founding fathers knew what college students would be like in the future and so invented this holiday and its traditions just for them.
5. Fourth of July – America is awesome; anyone who argues otherwise is a communist! I don’t think its a good idea to combine fireworks and alcohol. Actually I know for a fact it isn’t, but that is a story for another time. However, we are Americans and the two things we’re best at is drinking and making things go ‘boom.’ There are other things we’re the best at too, like being fat and ignorant, and bullying other countries but we don’t focus on that on these days. We just fire up the grill, chug enough beers to make a elephant stumble around and then light a bunch of fuses connected to explosives meant for our entertainment. God bless America.
This is why you don’t combine alcohol and fireworks. Because more and more people make stupid decisions like this.
So I did the “Reasons Men Suck” to appeal to the ladies and let me tell you, my email was loaded with eager females wanting my body… Still I am a man and I can’t do a post about why the male population is shitty without doing one about females. I’ll try to keep this list short since there are so many reasons I can think of as to why females suck.
1. Nice Guys Finish Last – Oh sure, you have every female out there talking about how they want to find a nice guy who will treat them well. Then they all go out and end up dating that asshole who treats them like shit and ignore the nice guy thats right in front of them. Here is a link to a post by a guy on Craigslist, in response to females constantly wondering “What happened to all the nice guys?” http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html. It basically sums up everything quite well. You ladies say you want the nice guy but you ignore him so he wises up and leaves. Then in a few years you wonder where he went and why you never noticed him before. This song is from “A Very Potter Sequel” (an amazing play, along with the original “A Very Potter Musical”, for Harry Potter fans) and it is sang by Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape. It is about how James Potter got Lily Evans even though Snape treated her better and it also sums up my point well; the douchebag gets the girl.
2. Mind Games – Stop with them already! We pretty much all know you only do them to both torture males and entertain yourselves. Like when you are angry at us and when we have no idea what the hell you are mad about you always have to say, “I shouldn’t have to tell you why I’m angry at you, you should know!” Well obviously we don’t know otherwise we wouldn’t be asking. Or when you pretend to be mad but you’re really not mad at all you just like to see guys sweat. We’re guys, we don’t like playing the mind games. We like it when things are put right out in the open so we can either tackle the problem head on or completely ignore it; depending on how emotional the topic might be.
3. Pressure – Stop putting it on us. We’re human too. And most of us, I’m excluding me here, aren’t perfect. We love the feeling of being needed. We like the fact that you look to us for protection, and that you want us to provide for you and take care of you. Still, a break from these expectations would be great. Maybe you can try to not rely on us so much. Or here’s an abstract thought, maybe once in a while you can take the responsibility of this stuff; just every now and a then you know? Maybe pay for a date here or there. And just so you know, not all guys can be the protector. Kevin Hart explains it best:
4. You Don’t Always Have To Look Like You’re Going To Prom – It takes your average guy twenty minutes to get ready and that includes showering. Your average women showers for about twenty minutes, then picks out her outfit, does her hair and puts on her makeup in another forty minutes. 99% of the time we don’t care if you doll yourselves up because we think you look beautiful without the make-up on. There is this girl I like and even when she hasn’t showered yet and all she is wearing is sweatpants and a hoodie, I think she looks stunning. Who are you trying to impress? The random people you see as you walk the street? The people that matter, your family and friends, don’t care if you always try to look like a million dollars because the people that do care know you already look like a million dollars. So just stop it.
So my blog got reviewed by a peer in my class and she said that this blog is more appealing to men then it is women. As a (failed) ladies man and the greatest thing to happen to the female population since women’s rights (hahahaha…women’s right), I am offended to think that women wouldn’t find my blog entertaining. So in order to appeal to the better looking gender, although not better looking than me, I”m creating this list; reasons men suck.
I’m going to try to think of this from a female perspective, so when I say “you” in the post, I mean females in general. What is it about us males that you can’t stand? Well I guess I should reiterate, what is it about other males that you can’t stand? Cause obviously I’m someone that has no flaws. Yup, no flaws at all. It’s cause I’m awesome…
Obviously these don’t desrcibe every male out there; just most of them.
1. Way Too Into Sports – “I know it’s your mother’s funeral, but babe, the game is on!” Good luck finding a guy willing to do something besides eat wings, drink beer and watch some football on a Sunday. And it isn’t just football; baseball, basketball, hockey and even things like golf and NASCAR will draw a man’s attention away from almost anything else going on around him. And yes I included NASCAR in there but you really only have to worry about that if you live in the south and the man has a mullet. What is it about sports that entertains males so much, especially since the ones really into sports are the ones who aren’t athletic and gifted enough to play said sport to begin with? They disregard you females in favor of watching a bunch of dudes. If that isn’t messed up, I don’t know what is.
2. Superiority Complex – Oh sure you have those males who say, “I totally believe women are equal to men,” but how many of them do you think 100% believe that? Most males put a lot of emphasis on physicality and since men are generally the bigger and stronger of the two genders, most males assume men are superior. It sucks that you females are being held back in this male dominated world because men don’t believe you will be as good at something as a male. Keep trying to prove us wrong but I feel like as long as we keep living in our current society, the more physical you are, the more respect you’ll get. That’s why athletes get paid millions of dollars to play a game and beat up on each other, and scientist reseraching ways to fight cancer make like $80,000. It also doesn’t help that females who try to be as strong as men are sometimes viewed as ugly or undesirable, making it an unappealing way of life for most females.
3. Not In Touch With Emotions – If a man is too in touch with his emotions, he generally gets made fun of by other males. It is considered weak. So good luck finding a male who understands exactly why you are crying and mumbling, “he just loves her so much,” and isn’t a homosexual. (Then again not all homosexuals are like that either….and no offense meant to homosexuals.) Chances are if you do find a straight male in touch with his emotions, he’s way too in touch with them and ends up crying more often then you do. It is hard for men to walk that fine line between understanding where you are coming from and still maintaining there manliness in front of other males. Therefor, many don’t even bother trying to walk that line and instead stay strivtly on the side of manliness. It is the biggest reason women are always getting pissed off at men. That and because we men are idiots.
4. Don’t Pay Enough Attention – #1 can fall under this and #3 can be a reason why it happens. Whatever it is, men just don’t pay enough attention to females. Whether it be the problems they face every day, or just their opinions on things, men don’t seem to care. Men don’t listen to what you have to say and if they seem like they are listening, doing the whole head nod and the “really? you don’t say” every few seconds, then you should double check to make sure they actually are paying attention; chances are they aren’t. Whether it be watching the game, talking to their friends or even staring at other females, you always seem to be a secondary concern. Men have their reason for this, at least some men do, but I won’t get into that right now.
5. Think With Their Penis – Everything is about sex. Well not everything, some of it’s about food as well. Some men pretend to care because they know that if you think they like you and care about you as a person, you’ll put out. When a guy buys you drinks at a bar, it is because he is looking to get lucky with you later tonight, something that increases the drunker you get. If you are lucky you will find that guy who takes you out to dinner and buys you nice things because he generally wants to see you happy. However, in order to find that guy you’ll probably go through a handful who only do those things because they want to hop on the good fit and do the bad thing.
Everyone who has gone to an actual college, (yeah that’s right, I’m making fun of community colleges,) knows about Greek Life. Everyone has their opinion on the fraternities and sororities on their campus. Some love them, some hate them, some are in them but still hate them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I am, personally, a member of a fraternity. However, I won’t try to sell you on what I think are the awesome parts of Greek Life. Because I’ll be honest with you, as much as I love being a part of Greek Life, I hate it as well.
So to play the impartial person, I’m going to tell you four reasons why joining Greek Life is a good idea and four reasons why joining Greek Life is a terrible idea.
- You’ll Lose Friends – When you pledge a Greek organization, you pledge your life to them for however long it takes you to get in. When you finally do get in, all the parties, mixers and other such events your organization participates in leaves you less and less time to hang out with all the friends you had before hand. Some will get upset you chose people you barely know and chose to go through the “stupid” process to get in to begin with, leaving them behind. Not everyone is fond of Greek organizations and you risk alienating those who don’t look kindly upon it when you pledge.
- Pledging Sucks – There are laws that make hazing someone and allowing yourself to get hazed, felony offenses. There is also laws saying you can’t smoke marijuana for reasons that are not medical related… Do you see where I’m going with this? When you go through it, it sucks ass. I’m just going to leave it at that.
- Drama – There is so much drama between Greek organizations and even inside a single fraternity or sorority. You think you escape the drama when you leave high school but Greek Life pulls you right back into it. This guys sleeping with those two girls at the same time and now their sororities hate each other. Or that girl is going out with him but sleeping with him on the side and the two fraternities broke out into a fight the other night. It is all so stupid and pathetic you will want to hit your head against the wall repeatedly until you pass out.
- Assumptions – There are three main assumptions made about those in Greek Life. First of all, the fact that you are in it means you think you are better then everyone else. The second is that all guys are toolbags. The third is that all girls are whores. This may be true about some of the people, there is no denying that. However, you could be the chillest, most down to earth virgin, and people will just believe that since you are in a fraternity/sorority you are a snobbish tool/whore.
Now lets take a look at some of the pluses of joining Greek Life.
- Gain Friends – Just like you’ll lose friends, you’ll also gain them. Not only will you become friends with almost everyone in your organization, but there are also dozens of other people in other organizations who you will meet and befriend as well. You’ll totally go from like 400 friends on facebook to probably over 600. You’ll be sooooooo popular.
- Always Something To Do – Joining Greek Life means there is always something to occupy you’re nights. Many organizations hold events at bars and clubs throughout town. Many also hold open parties that you can get into even if its closed off. Then there are the mixers, parties between two or more organizations which can include sports teams, which are set up throughout the week. You’ll never lack for a place to go to have a good time or find alcohol, you know, if you’re into that kind of stuff.
- Great Memories – As much as you will absolutely despise going through pledging you won’t be able to help but look back on those things you’ve done with a smile and a shake of your head. There are so many memories you can share with your pledge brothers/sisters and laugh about. In fact you might look so fondly upon your pledging experience you might even think to yourself, “yeah I’d totally go through it again,” even though you hated going through it.
- Experience – If the other members of your sorority/fraternity think you are capable of it, they will elect you into a position. Whether you are the president, treasurer, pledge master or any other number of positions, you will gain experience being in charge of something and having people rely on you to do your job properly. These can only prepare you for later in life. Unless you screw up royally, in which case just disregard this.
Is it weird that I’d rather take my grundle to a cheese grater rather than sit through this class?
I mean I guess I could actually do the readings and participate in class, which might make it more interesting. However, as I gaze at the professor and listen to him ramble on, I realize if I read the material then he would win. And I’ll be damned if I let him win! I will continue to fight the good fight, not just for me but for those too weak to fight for themselves; and for America. Because if not doing your homework isn’t American, then I don’t know what is.
Oh and honestly, screw these over-eager fuckers and their big words. “There is an acute sense of idealogical thoughts…” Stop throwing letters together and calling them words. You don’t impress anyone because you can say things longer then seven letters. Hell half this class is probably as confused as I am. Though I doubt anyone of them wants to punch you in the face as much as I do. I hope the next time you use a big word you get herpes. That will teach you, you snobbish fuck.
Sex is a part of everyone’s life. Alright, let’s be honest, sex is a great part of everyone’s life. I don’t think there is one person in this world who doesn’t love making love. If you happen to find someone who doesn’t, then they are more than likely a cyborg from the future sent back in time to kill someone important, which means you’re safe.
The bedroom is the standard place, as well as anywhere in a house really; the shower, on the counter, your dad’s favorite chair and against the hallway wall to list a few. If you really want to have a more interesting sex life you have to be adventurous. Doing it in other places along with the fear of being caught, can make sex more exciting. Here are five places to do it.
1. Boss’ Office – Whether you like your boss or not I’m sure you wouldn’t mind finding a way to give them a big “fuck you” even if it is without their knowledge. Any office will do I’m sure but there is something about it being the office of the person who could fire your ass anytime they want to, it just adds that little extra thrill. Offices generally have a desk and a chair, which are probably the two most used pieces of furniture after a bed. Some may have a filing cabinet which can be hard to work with but still doable, if you have the knowledge.
2. Hospital Waiting Room – This one is tricky. Waiting rooms are generally filled with other people. It is possible to have sex in a room with other people and not have them realize what’s going on. You have to be very discreet and quiet so if one of you is a screamer or heavy moaner, this probably isn’t a good idea. Sometimes, when you’re in the hospital at 3 in the morning because your friend has alcohol poisoning, the waiting room is empty. In which case, if the area is separate from the reception desk, then go for it. Sure you’re concerned for your friend; the sex is just something to take your mind off of your concern.
3. The Confessional – Gasp! I know, who would ever suggest such a thing? This guy right here. I’m not an atheist or a Catholic, so that didn’t have any influence on my decision. I am actually a Deist; someone who believes God created everything and just left us to our own devices. I don’t put down anyone who believes differently than me because we’ll never know who is right until we die and when that happens it won’t matter who was right and who was wrong. Still, churches and the Christian faith just seem to be so against sex, especially casual sex. If you were to have casual sex, considered a sin, in the Confessional, where people go to confess their sins, well that would just be ironic, wouldn’t it? Imagine if a priest was in the other side, ready to hear of your sins? Do you think he’d forgive you for the sin your committing on the other side of him? My guess is probably not.
4. Ferris Wheel – If you’re not big on the whole people watching you have sex thing, this one will have to be a quickie. Even if you do manage to be the car stopped at the very top, you won’t be there for long. The rocking of the passenger car will not only terrify you, as you contemplate whether the car will tip over and send you falling to the ground, it will also add more motion into the actual act of having sex. The spike in adrenaline as you fear for your life and the added motion should make it a better sexual experience.
5. Bungee Jumping – Don’t ask me exactly how this would work, as I have no idea. I imagine it’s a lot like having sex standing up, except you’re free falling a few hundred feet. Then you’re flying back into the air only to start free falling again. You repeat the process a few times until you just kind of hang there for a bit until they bring you back up. I don’t even know if you’d have the time or the range of motion to actually do anything. And seriously for a guy having your P in her V while bungee jumping should scare you because I feel like, well you might break your baby-maker when you snap back up or something. Still, it is worth a try. And would be very, very epic.