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Notes #2

9-17-10

I’m pretty sure I’d rather stick my ballsack in a blender and play “Will It Blend?” rather then sit through this class for the rest of this semester. Seriously I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I’m pretty sure the professor is on his way to being considerede completely and legally senile. Therefor its hard for my exhausted mind to keep track of everything he says. Further more, these students who raise their hands to offer their opinions on the story are most likely bull shitting.

Each of them is reaching as far up their ass as their hands can reach, and are withdrawing them with fist full of steaming shit. And the professor is so far off his rocker that he’s agreeing with every single steaming opinion, even those that directly contradict each other in their views and ideals. Then he rambles on for minutes at a time, pausing every few words as he struggles to grasp the English language and arrange the words into one coherent thought; a coherent thought that he always seems to butcher somewhere between his brain and when it leaves the tip of his tongue.

Somebody…anybody please, for the love of God, save me from this class.

Six Mistakes We Make When Drunk

Most of us over the age of 21, and I’m sure a fair few of those under the age of 21, have all made a stupid mistake while drunk. Some of us have probably made a fair few of them. A select few of us have made many of them….over the past weekend; don’t even get us started on our entire drinking careers. Amongst other things alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment. This leads you to doing many things you would never, ever do while sober.

There is always that time in the morning when we are told exactly what it is we did last night, or we realize ourselves exactly what we did last night. To those of us who are use to these mornings, we just laugh these off and shake our heads. To those who experience such mornings only once or twice, the feeling is generally mortification.

Here are some of the stupid mistakes we make when we’re drunk.

1. Buying For Everyone – Before going out you tell yourself you are only going to buy a few beers, or maybe a shot or two. You are running low on money and don’t want to blow it all. However, after you finish your fifth or sixth beer you start to feel a little happier and a little friendlier. Next thing you know, you are leaning on the bar with a sloppy smile on your face and the words, “another round of Patron shots!” keeps leaving your lips. Then you wake up in the morning, with no idea how you got home, your wallet empty and your debit card has been over drawn by fifteen dollars. So much for trying to be frugal.

2. Losing Something – Here is a personal story. One time while at a party I had, what I thought was a few beers. Apparently, even though I don’t remember it, I had more than a few beers. I blacked out and woke up on the floor of the 24 hour study room bathroom. Yes, you read that correctly. And when I woke up I discovered my jeans were ripped to pieces and I had a huge tear in my jacket.  Still drunk, I stumbled out of the 24 hour study room to the weird looks of the two kids in there at eleven in the morning on a Saturday and to my townhouse. When I woke up a few hours later I realized I had lost my phone. Then a memory came back to me; a memory of climbing a barbed wire fence. I vaguely remember I had my phone on me at that moment. Then I had to climb a barbed wire fence to get out of the area I was in because it was a fully enclosed, restricted area. Not only did I lose my phone, I lost a little bit of my dignity too.

3. Thinking You Are Better At Something Than You Really Are – Drinking gives you confidence. It makes you think you actually have a shot at picking up that brunette with the cute smile. It makes you believe you actually can dance well, when in reality you’re just waving your hands like an idiot and kind of half-swaying-in-spot, half-humping-the-air. The worst is those who think they can actually sing and it is karaoke night. At least with the dancing it is hilarious to watch, even if a little pathetic. Singing on the other hand not only makes you look like an idiot but it hurts the ears of everyone around you. Know what you can do and know what you can’t do and then remember those things when drunk. At least singing, because the other stuff is actually entertaining. Especially when you swear to god you can dunk.

 4. Calling An Ex – So you are six scotch on the rocks down and are nursing the seventh against your chest. You called your blind date from the night before and they tell you to stop calling them, twelve times in one day is bordering on stalker level and they already told you they think you’re really weird. This reminds you of the time you’re recent ex told you to stop calling them after they broke your heart. This makes you wonder what your ex is up to and if they miss you. You know what? You’re gonna give them a call. Just to see what’s up; nothing else. At least that’s what you swore t yourself you were going to do. Next thing you know you’re on the tenth minute of a ramble that involves a lot of crying, “I miss you, why don’t we get back together?” and “you know what, I’m glad we broke up!” Good thing you called to see what was up.

 5. Hooking Up With The Creature From The Black Lagoon – Remember what I said about alcohol impairing your judgment? This is when it shows off the most. Sober you wouldn’t find that unibrow attractive at all. Yet, with ten beers in your system, there is just something about that one long, connected eyebrow that really gets you going. So you stumble up to the Hunchback of Notre Dame and slur your best one liner. Luckily for you, with your hair a mess and one of your eyes basically closed, this Hunchback hasn’t been touched by a member of the opposite sex since the last alcohol poisoning suffering person sometime last year.

 6. Thinking Your Tougher Then You Actually Are – Drinking alcohol makes you think you are the shit. You feel like you’re fucking Brock Lesnar in a room full of pre-schoolers. You just want to start going around punching these puny pre-schoolers in the face. Please don’t do so, especially if they actually are pre-schoolers; thats called child abuse and is punishable by multiple years in jail. Sure, that steroid taking guido looking douche probably deserves to get punched in the face but the steroids have made him one giant, walking muscle. You punch him in the face he’ll probably grind you into a protein shake and then drink you before going spray tanning. The fact of the matter is you aren’t nearly as tough as you think you are. When you struggle lifting your mug because it is filled to the brim with beer, that means your weak son. Don’t try stepping up to a level you can’t handle.

Notes #1

Last semester while in one of my classes I took “notes.” By that I mean I was bored out of my mind, didn’t pay attention and just wrote things that came to my mind. I’ve decided to post these “notes” for others to see because it was recommended to me by some friends. The writing can be considered offensive to some. It’s cool. I have an offensive mind. However, I would like to state I do not mean to offend anyone with these postings. Everyone thinks things that can offend someone, some of us are just brave enough or stupid enough, probably stupid enough, to put those thoughts into words.

9-15-10

So the professor walked into class with a smile that was half-insane, half-creepy and all sorts of scary. The kind of smile that makes you think he’s going to lock the door, murder everyone and then go buck wild butt raping our corpses. Also I’m not positive but I’m pretty sure he stares at me way too much. What if he is thinking of doing what his smile implies? Oh god, now the image is in my head. WHY DO I THINK THESE THINGS!?

If anyone reads this after finding my sodomized corpse in a ditch and no one has been arrested yet for my murder and anal violation, look into Professor Creepstein. Seriously though this guy shouldn’t be teaching. Maybe I should get him fired. I’d be saving this campus one necrophiliac butt pirate with bad hair at a time. They’d probably give me a medal for service to the school; and for being awesome. Because the fact that I haven’t won an award for being awesome yet, well its a tragedy that should be rectified immediately. America’s biggest fuck up since slavery. And yes I am comparing me not getting an award for being awesome to slavery. Don’t worry, it’s cool; we have a black president…

Epic Ways To Die

Let’s face it, everyone is going to die someday; well besides me because I’m too awesome to die, but that is a story for another time. It is a sad fact of life. We fear death because we don’t know death. There is no possible way for us to understand what happens when we die. Is it the end of our existence? Is there an after-life? Do we come back in another form? These questions cannot be answered as only the dead know.

However, it is generally a given that no matter what happens after death, it is the way we live that we are truly judged for. Yet, I also think the way we die should also be part of this judging process. Let’s face it, some people die in a lame way; like getting stung by a jellyfish.  I know jellyfish can be very deadly, and in fact jellyfish kill more people each year than sharks. But you are trying to tell me if you heard, “Yeah, John died. He got stung by a jellyfish,” the first thing that pops into your head isn’t ‘wow, John is a pussy.’ (Or second thing, after ‘oh no John died!’)

Some ways of dying are more epic than other ways. It is a fact of life (death?). Here is a list, in no particular order, of the most epic ways to die.

1. Fighting a bear – I’m not talking about you see the bear and you try running and it chases you down. Or you tried playing dead and the bear wasn’t as dumb as you thought it was. I’m talking about one day you are walking through the woods and suddenly in front of you walks out this gigantic grizzly bear. You look that bear in the eye and say “Hey bear, fuck you,” and then you run at it with a battle cry on your lips. You then proceed to drop kick that bear square in the face. However, since it is obvious not everyone is fully capable of taking on a full grown grizzly like I have done, twice, many will probably die trying to do this. That is ok as long as you get one or two good shots in. Don’t let the bear think you were a bitch; make him work for his victory. Sure people might not know how exactly it is you died, but God will know and he will look fondly upon you and let you pass those pearly gates into heaven without a second thought; unless you really, really deserve to go to hell.  

2. Saving someone’s life – Heroes are always loved and remembered fondly. By sacrificing yourself so that another could live, that is pretty much the most heroic thing anyone could do. That person whose life you saved will remember you for their rest of their lives, as will their loved ones. Whether you push someone out of the way of a car/bus, take a bullet or jump on a grenade, you will forever be known as a hero. Here is the scenario, a car is speeding down the road and the driver (probably Asian) isn’t paying attention. In the middle of the road is someone who has dropped something and is bent over to pick it up, not noticing the car barreling down on them. You rush out there and with all your might shove that person out of the way, potentially head first into a parked car, or at least hard enough into the pavement where they will get some serious scrapes and bruises, which isn’t cool. However, in doing so, you are the one that get hits by the car and it isn’t pretty. Luckily you are dead now so you don’t get to see your mangled corpse, but thanks to you that person gets to see another day. Bonus points if it’s a small child you save.

3. Stopping a terrorist attack – This is similar to saving someone’s life but on a larger scale. Terrorist are assholes. It is a well known fact. Seriously, someone whose sole goal is to cause the death of innocent people because they don’t like the way they live their lives, or for whatever reason suicide bombers do what they do, is just a douchebag. You think saving one person’s life is pretty heroic, try saving multiple people’s lives. If you don’t believe me, ask Jack Bauer. See what he has to tell you. Dude is like the biggest hero ever, and he hasn’t even died yet. Once he dies for the cause? Legend AND martyr. Everyone loves a martyr; ask Nathan Hale and his “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.”     

4. Pulling your own cord – You’re sick and you are dying. You’re in the hospital and everyday you grow weaker. All you are doing is trying to hold on as long as possible as your family sits around you, looking all sad and pathetic. Then with the last of your strength, you sit up, give them all the middle finger, reach behind you and yank the power cord to the life support machines. As your family scrambles to plug the power back in, you drift off into blissful blackness. Fuck them. You’re going out on your own terms. Who just wants to sit out and wait for death to claim them? Bitches that’s who. I’d rather meet death head on with a smile on my face and anyone else who wants to do the same, and does do it, will die epically.

The Unwritten Ways of College Heavy Drinkers

Most of my generation has gone or is going to to college. It is just something we have to do; whether we actually want to do it ourselves or whether or not it was forced upon us by our parents. Seriously, I feel like if you ask the recent group of college students how many of them actually wanted to go to college, and how many of them walk these “prestigious” halls because of their parents, or because its required for high paying jobs, you’ll find few actually wanted to go to more classes after high school graduation.

However, we still walk these halls; which means we are still getting educated and we are still considered college students. However, there are a few of us who would not be considered the same college students as everyone else. We are all different; some of us more so than others. I’m here to help educate you on one group of these college students and the laws they follow.

The partier. How many of us do you think actually fall into this stereotype? Well that is a good question because I have no idea. I could guess-timate but I’m pretty sure my numbers would be skewed. Why do you think my numbers would be skewed? Probably because I am biased. I do not look fondly on my generation; mostly because they are following my lead and if I had my way, no one would be following my lead. It doesn’t go anywhere good.   

  1. Halloween is the new Christmas – Hey don’t get me wrong, everyone loves Christmas. However, that doesn’t mean it is the greatest holiday to grace our presence, at least it isn’t the greatest holiday while you are in college. College girls love Halloween because it gives them an excuse to dress as whores without being called whores. Guys love Halloween for that exact same reason. Really, it’s a win-win for everyone; mostly for guys. Halloween is an excuse to be someone different for a night and you use that excuse to drink more, as well as dress like a skank/drunkenly stare at the girls in skimpy outfits.  
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  3. Drinking holidays – For your average college student days like New Years Eve., St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, etc. are just an excuse to get drunk. However, for those few college students out there who drink on a daily basis, while everyone else is talking about how drunk they got on these days, you are talking about the trip to the hospital you had to take for the alcohol poisoning scare you had. Seriously, some talk about how they had like eight beers; you are talking about the same thing, but are referring to eight beers in an hour, not the night. Some people party; you party hard. Maybe a little too hard but I’m not here to judge.
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  5. Alcoholism – You know that whole joke between some people say after their friend had six beers on one night?; “haha you are such an alcoholic!” Yeah, well it isn’t a joke for you. Seriously, six beers is something you do before you’re first class at eleven in the morning. Before a full day is done you are an eighteen rack down and just about to take your fourth shot on the night. AA meetings don’t scare you though; because that stuff is for losers!
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  7. Greek Life – Let’s be honest with each other; five percent of you will actually join a Greek organization. However, 97.6% of you will party at a Greek house at least once in your college career, probably way more times then that. When you are underage you have no choice but to follow the alcohol. It is unfortunate, for some, that most of the times this alcohol is at fraternity and sorority houses. When you are twenty-one though, the bars and clubs are where you are at. You abandon these Greek organizations and go somewhere else for your alcoholic fix.
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  9. Birthdays – Birthdays are times of celebration. You make them times of liver poisoning. There is nothing better then waking up the day after your birthday, laying next to a puddle of vomit and wondering why you’re not wearing pants but seem to still have your socks and shoes on. It is like one of the greatest days for you heavy drinkers. Then you’ll update your facebook status about how crazy you got last night and three of your friends will like it and several will comment with “you really were crazy! lol!” And when it is your 21st birthday, when you are legally allowed to actually drink? Forget it. You’ll be blacked out before you even reach the bars at midnight and puking five minutes after walking in.
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  11. Adding Adjectives of Being Drunk To Days – Messed-Up Monday, Tipsy Tuesday, Wasted Wednesday and Thirsty Thursday. Before college they were just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. However, now that you are a drunk man on campus you decided to add a little something to these regular week days to make them more exciting, and to give you a reason to drink. 

The problems really start when you graduate from college and you still follow these ways. Once that happens, you’re probably an alcoholic. However, while still in college enjoy your drinking ways. Sure, you’re liver will fail on you by the time you reach your mid-life crisis but you know what? That’s a problem for future you. Present you is just here to have a good time, we’ll let future you worry about it.

Things All Men Should Do Before They Die

(DISCLAIMER: This blog may be offensive to some. Most of the things written are not to be taken seriously. Most of the opinions expressed are not the actual opinions of the author, though a few may be. It is written to be taken as a joke.)

As the clearly superior gender, men have certain expectations they must live up to. We are men and there are ways we must act and things we must do to let others know exactly how manly we are. Lucky for all men out there I have created this list to let them know exactly what they need to do to show their manliness.

1. Wear a tuxedo – Wearing a tuxedo for your prom or a wedding is ok and is sufficient to check this off your list. However, a true man will wear a tuxedo on a random night, to let everyone know how awesome he is. Having a set “Tuxedo Night” with your friends, maybe a once a month type of thing, may be best.

2. Smoke a cigar – Whether you are a mobster, you just made a million dollars or you have saved the Earth from an alien species, you must smoke a cigar at least once. It is a necessity.

3.  Visit the Playboy Mansion – Hot women in skimpy outfits. This is self explanatory.

4. Visit Las Vegas – Sin City is a place full of debauchery and good times. Don’t let the movies fool you into thinking you will have an epic time in Las Vegas just like that though. You need to work for it, and even then it will not be as epic as you might hope. Still, it will probably be one of the greatest times of your life.

5. Get a lap dance at a strip club – Generally going to a strip club is like purposely blue balling yourself. It is hard to understand why any man would do such a thing. However, there are times when men do something so feminine, such as watching Gilmore Girls while eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, that they must get back their man status. The strip club provides such a thing, and a lap dance is the icing on your man-asserting cake.

6. Clear a  room out with a fart – Men are disgusting. It is a fact of life, and it is what helps lift us above females. The fart is our main weapon. To let one rip that smells so horrible that it causes people to flee in terror, that just screams “MAN.”

7. Save someones life – Props to doctors, nurses, medics, EMTs and the like. Saving someone’s life is very manly and is one of the few things that elevate women onto almost equal status as men. Not only is it very manly, it also makes you a hero.

8. Grow a beard and chop down a tree – Beards are manly. Hitting things with an axe is manly. Rocking a beard and hitting something with an axe equals double the manliness. It is why lumberjacks are both feared and respected. Sure they may not be that smart, but who wants to mess with them? If you can’t grow the facial hair necessary to sport a beard or you don’t have the upper arm strength to swing an axe, well maybe you should think about handing in your man card.

9. Disarm a bomb with a paper clip, kiwi and ice pick – Otherwise known as a MacGyver. Explosive Ordinance Disposal (EOD) teams are some of the most fearless and toughest guys on this planet. You have to respect someone who willingly walks up to something that could rip them to bits. Yet, could you imagine how much cooler it would be if that person didn’t have the right equipment and instead had to rely on a rubber band, hair tie and wool mitten? Way cool.