Most of us over the age of 21, and I’m sure a fair few of those under the age of 21, have all made a stupid mistake while drunk. Some of us have probably made a fair few of them. A select few of us have made many of them….over the past weekend; don’t even get us started on our entire drinking careers. Amongst other things alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment. This leads you to doing many things you would never, ever do while sober.
There is always that time in the morning when we are told exactly what it is we did last night, or we realize ourselves exactly what we did last night. To those of us who are use to these mornings, we just laugh these off and shake our heads. To those who experience such mornings only once or twice, the feeling is generally mortification.
Here are some of the stupid mistakes we make when we’re drunk.
1. Buying For Everyone – Before going out you tell yourself you are only going to buy a few beers, or maybe a shot or two. You are running low on money and don’t want to blow it all. However, after you finish your fifth or sixth beer you start to feel a little happier and a little friendlier. Next thing you know, you are leaning on the bar with a sloppy smile on your face and the words, “another round of Patron shots!” keeps leaving your lips. Then you wake up in the morning, with no idea how you got home, your wallet empty and your debit card has been over drawn by fifteen dollars. So much for trying to be frugal.
2. Losing Something – Here is a personal story. One time while at a party I had, what I thought was a few beers. Apparently, even though I don’t remember it, I had more than a few beers. I blacked out and woke up on the floor of the 24 hour study room bathroom. Yes, you read that correctly. And when I woke up I discovered my jeans were ripped to pieces and I had a huge tear in my jacket. Still drunk, I stumbled out of the 24 hour study room to the weird looks of the two kids in there at eleven in the morning on a Saturday and to my townhouse. When I woke up a few hours later I realized I had lost my phone. Then a memory came back to me; a memory of climbing a barbed wire fence. I vaguely remember I had my phone on me at that moment. Then I had to climb a barbed wire fence to get out of the area I was in because it was a fully enclosed, restricted area. Not only did I lose my phone, I lost a little bit of my dignity too.
3. Thinking You Are Better At Something Than You Really Are – Drinking gives you confidence. It makes you think you actually have a shot at picking up that brunette with the cute smile. It makes you believe you actually can dance well, when in reality you’re just waving your hands like an idiot and kind of half-swaying-in-spot, half-humping-the-air. The worst is those who think they can actually sing and it is karaoke night. At least with the dancing it is hilarious to watch, even if a little pathetic. Singing on the other hand not only makes you look like an idiot but it hurts the ears of everyone around you. Know what you can do and know what you can’t do and then remember those things when drunk. At least singing, because the other stuff is actually entertaining. Especially when you swear to god you can dunk.
4. Calling An Ex – So you are six scotch on the rocks down and are nursing the seventh against your chest. You called your blind date from the night before and they tell you to stop calling them, twelve times in one day is bordering on stalker level and they already told you they think you’re really weird. This reminds you of the time you’re recent ex told you to stop calling them after they broke your heart. This makes you wonder what your ex is up to and if they miss you. You know what? You’re gonna give them a call. Just to see what’s up; nothing else. At least that’s what you swore t yourself you were going to do. Next thing you know you’re on the tenth minute of a ramble that involves a lot of crying, “I miss you, why don’t we get back together?” and “you know what, I’m glad we broke up!” Good thing you called to see what was up.
5. Hooking Up With The Creature From The Black Lagoon – Remember what I said about alcohol impairing your judgment? This is when it shows off the most. Sober you wouldn’t find that unibrow attractive at all. Yet, with ten beers in your system, there is just something about that one long, connected eyebrow that really gets you going. So you stumble up to the Hunchback of Notre Dame and slur your best one liner. Luckily for you, with your hair a mess and one of your eyes basically closed, this Hunchback hasn’t been touched by a member of the opposite sex since the last alcohol poisoning suffering person sometime last year.
6. Thinking Your Tougher Then You Actually Are – Drinking alcohol makes you think you are the shit. You feel like you’re fucking Brock Lesnar in a room full of pre-schoolers. You just want to start going around punching these puny pre-schoolers in the face. Please don’t do so, especially if they actually are pre-schoolers; thats called child abuse and is punishable by multiple years in jail. Sure, that steroid taking guido looking douche probably deserves to get punched in the face but the steroids have made him one giant, walking muscle. You punch him in the face he’ll probably grind you into a protein shake and then drink you before going spray tanning. The fact of the matter is you aren’t nearly as tough as you think you are. When you struggle lifting your mug because it is filled to the brim with beer, that means your weak son. Don’t try stepping up to a level you can’t handle.