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Drinking Holidays

For a true alcoholic everyday is a drinking holiday. Still, some people look for excuses to get drunk. I don’t understand why, so don’t ask me. It is just something normal, non-alcoholics do I guess.

1. New Years Eve – What better way to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of another by getting shit faced? Seriously, this might be the only one that at least makes sense as to why you would drink in celebration. Another year has come and gone, and you have another years worth of memories to toast to.  Plus, what better way to start a new year then not remembering the last night of the old one? It’s kind of like you wake up with a clean slate….and a massive hangover. However, beggars can’t be choosers and if you want to celebrate this holiday the correct way, get ready to drink some beers, some shots and a bottle or two of champagne.

2. St. Patrick’s Day – So in order to celebrate the life of a Roman-Britain who was captured as a slave by the Irish, only to escape and return to Ireland to teach Christianity to the Pagans, is for everyone over the age of fifteen and under the age of eighty, to get blacked out status? Can someone explain that to me? How does that make any sense? I’m still confused as to why we’re celebrating this guys life to begin with anyway. Still, no one will question such a thing too much. After all, for your average working person, this is their excuse to let loose, at least for one night of the year.   

3. Cinco de Mayo – So who knows why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated? I’ll tell you why because in 1862 the Mexican army somehow defeated the powerhouse of France (did anyone laugh when they read that because I did when I typed it). That is why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated. It’s funny that basically everyone, included Mexicans don’t know that. Instead Cinco de Mayo to us, is a day to get drunk. So we grab a bottle of tequila and a pack of Coronas and have a fiesta until the immigraton officers come a knocking. (No offense meant to any immigrants.)

4. Thanksgiving Eve – This isn’t really that big of a drinking holiday outside of college students and their friends. This is the first time collge students see their friends since summer vacation. So naturally, they use that as an excuse to drink until they blow a .32 BAC. And it is understandable as to why you would do it this night. Because the next day you’ll wake up hungover to a large feast just waiting for you to devour. Then when you are done eating, its totally ok for you to go right back to sleep. It is like our founding fathers knew what college students would be like in the future and so invented this holiday and its traditions just for them.

5. Fourth of July – America is awesome; anyone who argues otherwise is a communist! I don’t think its a good idea to combine fireworks and alcohol. Actually I know for a fact it isn’t, but that is a story for another time. However, we are Americans and the two things we’re best at is drinking and making things go ‘boom.’  There are other things we’re the best at too, like being fat and ignorant, and bullying other countries but we don’t focus on that on these days. We just fire up the grill, chug enough beers to make a elephant stumble around and then light a bunch of fuses connected to explosives meant for our entertainment. God bless America.

This is why you don’t combine alcohol and fireworks. Because more and more people make stupid decisions like this.


Six Mistakes We Make When Drunk

Most of us over the age of 21, and I’m sure a fair few of those under the age of 21, have all made a stupid mistake while drunk. Some of us have probably made a fair few of them. A select few of us have made many of them….over the past weekend; don’t even get us started on our entire drinking careers. Amongst other things alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment. This leads you to doing many things you would never, ever do while sober.

There is always that time in the morning when we are told exactly what it is we did last night, or we realize ourselves exactly what we did last night. To those of us who are use to these mornings, we just laugh these off and shake our heads. To those who experience such mornings only once or twice, the feeling is generally mortification.

Here are some of the stupid mistakes we make when we’re drunk.

1. Buying For Everyone – Before going out you tell yourself you are only going to buy a few beers, or maybe a shot or two. You are running low on money and don’t want to blow it all. However, after you finish your fifth or sixth beer you start to feel a little happier and a little friendlier. Next thing you know, you are leaning on the bar with a sloppy smile on your face and the words, “another round of Patron shots!” keeps leaving your lips. Then you wake up in the morning, with no idea how you got home, your wallet empty and your debit card has been over drawn by fifteen dollars. So much for trying to be frugal.

2. Losing Something – Here is a personal story. One time while at a party I had, what I thought was a few beers. Apparently, even though I don’t remember it, I had more than a few beers. I blacked out and woke up on the floor of the 24 hour study room bathroom. Yes, you read that correctly. And when I woke up I discovered my jeans were ripped to pieces and I had a huge tear in my jacket.  Still drunk, I stumbled out of the 24 hour study room to the weird looks of the two kids in there at eleven in the morning on a Saturday and to my townhouse. When I woke up a few hours later I realized I had lost my phone. Then a memory came back to me; a memory of climbing a barbed wire fence. I vaguely remember I had my phone on me at that moment. Then I had to climb a barbed wire fence to get out of the area I was in because it was a fully enclosed, restricted area. Not only did I lose my phone, I lost a little bit of my dignity too.

3. Thinking You Are Better At Something Than You Really Are – Drinking gives you confidence. It makes you think you actually have a shot at picking up that brunette with the cute smile. It makes you believe you actually can dance well, when in reality you’re just waving your hands like an idiot and kind of half-swaying-in-spot, half-humping-the-air. The worst is those who think they can actually sing and it is karaoke night. At least with the dancing it is hilarious to watch, even if a little pathetic. Singing on the other hand not only makes you look like an idiot but it hurts the ears of everyone around you. Know what you can do and know what you can’t do and then remember those things when drunk. At least singing, because the other stuff is actually entertaining. Especially when you swear to god you can dunk.

 4. Calling An Ex – So you are six scotch on the rocks down and are nursing the seventh against your chest. You called your blind date from the night before and they tell you to stop calling them, twelve times in one day is bordering on stalker level and they already told you they think you’re really weird. This reminds you of the time you’re recent ex told you to stop calling them after they broke your heart. This makes you wonder what your ex is up to and if they miss you. You know what? You’re gonna give them a call. Just to see what’s up; nothing else. At least that’s what you swore t yourself you were going to do. Next thing you know you’re on the tenth minute of a ramble that involves a lot of crying, “I miss you, why don’t we get back together?” and “you know what, I’m glad we broke up!” Good thing you called to see what was up.

 5. Hooking Up With The Creature From The Black Lagoon – Remember what I said about alcohol impairing your judgment? This is when it shows off the most. Sober you wouldn’t find that unibrow attractive at all. Yet, with ten beers in your system, there is just something about that one long, connected eyebrow that really gets you going. So you stumble up to the Hunchback of Notre Dame and slur your best one liner. Luckily for you, with your hair a mess and one of your eyes basically closed, this Hunchback hasn’t been touched by a member of the opposite sex since the last alcohol poisoning suffering person sometime last year.

 6. Thinking Your Tougher Then You Actually Are – Drinking alcohol makes you think you are the shit. You feel like you’re fucking Brock Lesnar in a room full of pre-schoolers. You just want to start going around punching these puny pre-schoolers in the face. Please don’t do so, especially if they actually are pre-schoolers; thats called child abuse and is punishable by multiple years in jail. Sure, that steroid taking guido looking douche probably deserves to get punched in the face but the steroids have made him one giant, walking muscle. You punch him in the face he’ll probably grind you into a protein shake and then drink you before going spray tanning. The fact of the matter is you aren’t nearly as tough as you think you are. When you struggle lifting your mug because it is filled to the brim with beer, that means your weak son. Don’t try stepping up to a level you can’t handle.


The Unwritten Ways of College Heavy Drinkers

Most of my generation has gone or is going to to college. It is just something we have to do; whether we actually want to do it ourselves or whether or not it was forced upon us by our parents. Seriously, I feel like if you ask the recent group of college students how many of them actually wanted to go to college, and how many of them walk these “prestigious” halls because of their parents, or because its required for high paying jobs, you’ll find few actually wanted to go to more classes after high school graduation.

However, we still walk these halls; which means we are still getting educated and we are still considered college students. However, there are a few of us who would not be considered the same college students as everyone else. We are all different; some of us more so than others. I’m here to help educate you on one group of these college students and the laws they follow.

The partier. How many of us do you think actually fall into this stereotype? Well that is a good question because I have no idea. I could guess-timate but I’m pretty sure my numbers would be skewed. Why do you think my numbers would be skewed? Probably because I am biased. I do not look fondly on my generation; mostly because they are following my lead and if I had my way, no one would be following my lead. It doesn’t go anywhere good.   

  1. Halloween is the new Christmas – Hey don’t get me wrong, everyone loves Christmas. However, that doesn’t mean it is the greatest holiday to grace our presence, at least it isn’t the greatest holiday while you are in college. College girls love Halloween because it gives them an excuse to dress as whores without being called whores. Guys love Halloween for that exact same reason. Really, it’s a win-win for everyone; mostly for guys. Halloween is an excuse to be someone different for a night and you use that excuse to drink more, as well as dress like a skank/drunkenly stare at the girls in skimpy outfits.  
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  3. Drinking holidays – For your average college student days like New Years Eve., St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, etc. are just an excuse to get drunk. However, for those few college students out there who drink on a daily basis, while everyone else is talking about how drunk they got on these days, you are talking about the trip to the hospital you had to take for the alcohol poisoning scare you had. Seriously, some talk about how they had like eight beers; you are talking about the same thing, but are referring to eight beers in an hour, not the night. Some people party; you party hard. Maybe a little too hard but I’m not here to judge.
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  5. Alcoholism – You know that whole joke between some people say after their friend had six beers on one night?; “haha you are such an alcoholic!” Yeah, well it isn’t a joke for you. Seriously, six beers is something you do before you’re first class at eleven in the morning. Before a full day is done you are an eighteen rack down and just about to take your fourth shot on the night. AA meetings don’t scare you though; because that stuff is for losers!
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  7. Greek Life – Let’s be honest with each other; five percent of you will actually join a Greek organization. However, 97.6% of you will party at a Greek house at least once in your college career, probably way more times then that. When you are underage you have no choice but to follow the alcohol. It is unfortunate, for some, that most of the times this alcohol is at fraternity and sorority houses. When you are twenty-one though, the bars and clubs are where you are at. You abandon these Greek organizations and go somewhere else for your alcoholic fix.
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  9. Birthdays – Birthdays are times of celebration. You make them times of liver poisoning. There is nothing better then waking up the day after your birthday, laying next to a puddle of vomit and wondering why you’re not wearing pants but seem to still have your socks and shoes on. It is like one of the greatest days for you heavy drinkers. Then you’ll update your facebook status about how crazy you got last night and three of your friends will like it and several will comment with “you really were crazy! lol!” And when it is your 21st birthday, when you are legally allowed to actually drink? Forget it. You’ll be blacked out before you even reach the bars at midnight and puking five minutes after walking in.
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  11. Adding Adjectives of Being Drunk To Days – Messed-Up Monday, Tipsy Tuesday, Wasted Wednesday and Thirsty Thursday. Before college they were just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. However, now that you are a drunk man on campus you decided to add a little something to these regular week days to make them more exciting, and to give you a reason to drink. 

The problems really start when you graduate from college and you still follow these ways. Once that happens, you’re probably an alcoholic. However, while still in college enjoy your drinking ways. Sure, you’re liver will fail on you by the time you reach your mid-life crisis but you know what? That’s a problem for future you. Present you is just here to have a good time, we’ll let future you worry about it.