For a true alcoholic everyday is a drinking holiday. Still, some people look for excuses to get drunk. I don’t understand why, so don’t ask me. It is just something normal, non-alcoholics do I guess.
1. New Years Eve – What better way to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of another by getting shit faced? Seriously, this might be the only one that at least makes sense as to why you would drink in celebration. Another year has come and gone, and you have another years worth of memories to toast to. Plus, what better way to start a new year then not remembering the last night of the old one? It’s kind of like you wake up with a clean slate….and a massive hangover. However, beggars can’t be choosers and if you want to celebrate this holiday the correct way, get ready to drink some beers, some shots and a bottle or two of champagne.
2. St. Patrick’s Day – So in order to celebrate the life of a Roman-Britain who was captured as a slave by the Irish, only to escape and return to Ireland to teach Christianity to the Pagans, is for everyone over the age of fifteen and under the age of eighty, to get blacked out status? Can someone explain that to me? How does that make any sense? I’m still confused as to why we’re celebrating this guys life to begin with anyway. Still, no one will question such a thing too much. After all, for your average working person, this is their excuse to let loose, at least for one night of the year.
3. Cinco de Mayo – So who knows why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated? I’ll tell you why because in 1862 the Mexican army somehow defeated the powerhouse of France (did anyone laugh when they read that because I did when I typed it). That is why Cinco de Mayo is celebrated. It’s funny that basically everyone, included Mexicans don’t know that. Instead Cinco de Mayo to us, is a day to get drunk. So we grab a bottle of tequila and a pack of Coronas and have a fiesta until the immigraton officers come a knocking. (No offense meant to any immigrants.)
4. Thanksgiving Eve – This isn’t really that big of a drinking holiday outside of college students and their friends. This is the first time collge students see their friends since summer vacation. So naturally, they use that as an excuse to drink until they blow a .32 BAC. And it is understandable as to why you would do it this night. Because the next day you’ll wake up hungover to a large feast just waiting for you to devour. Then when you are done eating, its totally ok for you to go right back to sleep. It is like our founding fathers knew what college students would be like in the future and so invented this holiday and its traditions just for them.
5. Fourth of July – America is awesome; anyone who argues otherwise is a communist! I don’t think its a good idea to combine fireworks and alcohol. Actually I know for a fact it isn’t, but that is a story for another time. However, we are Americans and the two things we’re best at is drinking and making things go ‘boom.’ There are other things we’re the best at too, like being fat and ignorant, and bullying other countries but we don’t focus on that on these days. We just fire up the grill, chug enough beers to make a elephant stumble around and then light a bunch of fuses connected to explosives meant for our entertainment. God bless America.
This is why you don’t combine alcohol and fireworks. Because more and more people make stupid decisions like this.
Most of my generation has gone or is going to to college. It is just something we have to do; whether we actually want to do it ourselves or whether or not it was forced upon us by our parents. Seriously, I feel like if you ask the recent group of college students how many of them actually wanted to go to college, and how many of them walk these “prestigious” halls because of their parents, or because its required for high paying jobs, you’ll find few actually wanted to go to more classes after high school graduation.
However, we still walk these halls; which means we are still getting educated and we are still considered college students. However, there are a few of us who would not be considered the same college students as everyone else. We are all different; some of us more so than others. I’m here to help educate you on one group of these college students and the laws they follow.
The partier. How many of us do you think actually fall into this stereotype? Well that is a good question because I have no idea. I could guess-timate but I’m pretty sure my numbers would be skewed. Why do you think my numbers would be skewed? Probably because I am biased. I do not look fondly on my generation; mostly because they are following my lead and if I had my way, no one would be following my lead. It doesn’t go anywhere good.
- Halloween is the new Christmas – Hey don’t get me wrong, everyone loves Christmas. However, that doesn’t mean it is the greatest holiday to grace our presence, at least it isn’t the greatest holiday while you are in college. College girls love Halloween because it gives them an excuse to dress as whores without being called whores. Guys love Halloween for that exact same reason. Really, it’s a win-win for everyone; mostly for guys. Halloween is an excuse to be someone different for a night and you use that excuse to drink more, as well as dress like a skank/drunkenly stare at the girls in skimpy outfits.
- Drinking holidays – For your average college student days like New Years Eve., St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, etc. are just an excuse to get drunk. However, for those few college students out there who drink on a daily basis, while everyone else is talking about how drunk they got on these days, you are talking about the trip to the hospital you had to take for the alcohol poisoning scare you had. Seriously, some talk about how they had like eight beers; you are talking about the same thing, but are referring to eight beers in an hour, not the night. Some people party; you party hard. Maybe a little too hard but I’m not here to judge.
- Alcoholism – You know that whole joke between some people say after their friend had six beers on one night?; “haha you are such an alcoholic!” Yeah, well it isn’t a joke for you. Seriously, six beers is something you do before you’re first class at eleven in the morning. Before a full day is done you are an eighteen rack down and just about to take your fourth shot on the night. AA meetings don’t scare you though; because that stuff is for losers!
- Greek Life – Let’s be honest with each other; five percent of you will actually join a Greek organization. However, 97.6% of you will party at a Greek house at least once in your college career, probably way more times then that. When you are underage you have no choice but to follow the alcohol. It is unfortunate, for some, that most of the times this alcohol is at fraternity and sorority houses. When you are twenty-one though, the bars and clubs are where you are at. You abandon these Greek organizations and go somewhere else for your alcoholic fix.
- Birthdays – Birthdays are times of celebration. You make them times of liver poisoning. There is nothing better then waking up the day after your birthday, laying next to a puddle of vomit and wondering why you’re not wearing pants but seem to still have your socks and shoes on. It is like one of the greatest days for you heavy drinkers. Then you’ll update your facebook status about how crazy you got last night and three of your friends will like it and several will comment with “you really were crazy! lol!” And when it is your 21st birthday, when you are legally allowed to actually drink? Forget it. You’ll be blacked out before you even reach the bars at midnight and puking five minutes after walking in.
- Adding Adjectives of Being Drunk To Days – Messed-Up Monday, Tipsy Tuesday, Wasted Wednesday and Thirsty Thursday. Before college they were just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. However, now that you are a drunk man on campus you decided to add a little something to these regular week days to make them more exciting, and to give you a reason to drink.
The problems really start when you graduate from college and you still follow these ways. Once that happens, you’re probably an alcoholic. However, while still in college enjoy your drinking ways. Sure, you’re liver will fail on you by the time you reach your mid-life crisis but you know what? That’s a problem for future you. Present you is just here to have a good time, we’ll let future you worry about it.